he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
