listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
