thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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