where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
