I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
