She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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