its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Sorry about my life...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
