i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
