My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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