My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i was born a porn star she said
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
