At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
