I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
