Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
