He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
