News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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