toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
