my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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