I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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