Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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