By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
