apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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