Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
