Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
