Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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