Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
