im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
its liver damage thursday
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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