Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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