Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
