if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
