turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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