He uses pillows to masturbate.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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