so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
