yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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