hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
