do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You may now shotgun with the bride
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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