im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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