If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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