based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
