The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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