So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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