I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
