He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
