Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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