I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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