so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
