i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
