why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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