i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
