my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
im six kinds of drunk right now
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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