Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
barbara walters just said penis...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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